Seriously. Seriously? First of all, these are men's pants. I am not a man, nor am I built like one. I have a waist, hips, an ass, and thighs. These pants do not allow for discrepancies in size among those areas. They fit fine in the leg, are a little tight on the ass and hips, and gap at the waistband, because, hey, I go in there and the pants don't. This wouldn't be as much of a problem if the pants weren't so terribly high-waisted. And we all know there's nothing sexier than pants whose waistband hits above the tummy pooch, and even if I didn't have one, pants that high would make it look like I did. Everybody thinks so. Plus the zipper's so long it takes like an hour and a half to zip them up- and that's after you get the inside button and the snap (yes, snap) waistband. Let's examine the copy accompanying them on the website:
Features a self-adjusting waist for added comfort and easy fit.
What does that mean? Elastic waistband. Yes.
The large side pocket is designed with an added inside pocket with a divider so each side can hold two AR mags securely and attach a Back-Up Belt System™ loop-sided carrier so you can securely attach BBS™ pouches to pack other essential gear.
I work inside. The only thing I carry in my pockets is a tube of Bonne Bell Lipsmackers. And really, I can put those in my purse if I have to. No matter how much we ask, they won't let dispatchers carry weapons, and phone spiders don't exist yet. And I don't have a duty belt, just a regular one that they make me wear.
Teflon® treated for stain, liquid and dirt-resistance and includes removable neoprene kneepads (a $12.99 value). Triple- stitched and bartacked in all stress areas. Available in a 65% polyester/35% cotton ripstop or twill in short, medium and long lengths.
I would snark on the teflon thing, but the other night I was eating s'mores at home on lunch break and had to change my pants because I got melted chocolate on my lap. So really, it's okay if they're stain-resistant. But did you catch the part about the kneepads? So many oral sex jokes, so little time.
Oh and look:
The ass has a circle on it. Let me phrase that slightly differently: there is a circle on the seat. The seat of the pants that are unflattering to your ass to begin with has a big old circular seam to draw attention to itself. And yes, the ankles are drawstring, I guess because they weren't quite 80s enough with the high waist and multiple pockets.
Final verdict: 5.11 Tactical pants suck, but I have to wear them. Maybe they'll let us wear our (polo, ecch) shirts untucked.
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